Christmas is a notoriously difficult time of year for anyone suffering with mental health.
It seems to be where all our memories of things that once were or things that could of been congregate and hit you when you least expect it.
Pow! Out of no where it can hit you in the face like a snowball!
The other week I took my daughter to see the Christmas lights being turned on in our town. There’s obviously a back story to this tale but I’ll try and keep it brief and to the point. I had a panic attack. I was stuck in the crowd with mascara rolling down my face unable to breathe. My daughter slept in the buggy and no one wanted to help me as I made my way through the crowd.
At first I thought it was triggered because I wanted everything to be perfect. Then I thought it was because I wanted to be someone’s priority - that motherhood is hard but to do it alone is hard and lonely, even if I am smashing it. And then I realised it is a combination of so many things, money, stress, work. Its my first Christmas without my nan and my first christmas in 11 years without my beautiful boy Hugo, the truly best four legged friend anyone could of dreamed of. It’s also my first Christmas where my own personal family set up has changed.
Christmas is like a permanent anniversary, you can’t forget the date. It reminds you of companions you’ve lost and friends or family that should be there. It’s a time where we reflect the most about what we should or shouldn’t have achieved by this point in time.
But says who?
Every Christmas something happens for me, the intensity is too much and every year I tell myself I love it as I’m trying to start a fresh. Really I should just think ‘f**k it!’ And let it roll by like any other day of the year but what is it in our egos that make us fixate and obsess about Christmas as time of happiness? surely, fir some of us we set ourselves up with a great deal of pressure that ultimately we can not fulfil . But this is not failure and we should stop letting ourselves feel like that.
Is it that the end of a year is coming and the idea of time is more apparent or the pressure of money and gifting or of appearances when we try to fit into the Christmas party outfit.
Its a time of year make time for people because we have to because we work with them or we have to keep up an appearance and therefore miss out on people that we do want to see. We keep our mouths shut because it’s Christmas and no one wants to upset each other.
Ultimately we are overloading our shoulders with ‘stuff ‘ that we carry into the new year. This is why the ‘f**k it’ attitude comes in handy.
I am no way promoting bad manners but why be dishonest to yourself? So hypocritical? It’s a time of giving- but to ones that matter.
Notice the friends and family that are struggling but may not know how to speak out because they fear that they would be a burden. Spend your time with people that matter because that’s good for them and yourself.
Be overindulgent if that’s what you want but not so over indulgent you become lost of who you are. Keep your love real and balanced.
For me now, this will be a time when work gets busy and bank accounts become empty but I know that a new year will not be my motivation to change because I make changes EVERY SINGLE DAY to make my life fulfilled.
So come at me Christmas, because I’m finally ready for you. Because after the year I’ve had I am so grateful to be able to appreciate every single day.