A DAY IN MY DEPRESSED HEAD
Everyday is different, it’s like Russian Roulette because you don’t know how you are going to feel when you wake up. Everyday is a battle.
Days like this, low days
I feel worthless
I feel a numbing sadness
I feel suicidal
I feel on edge of a breakdown
I feel a burning rage inside
I feel angry at the world that I’m trapped in my own head and no one around me gets it.
I give up
I’m constantly on the verge of tears
I’m short with everyone
I push everyone away
I don't want company
I can’t explain how I feel because no one understands.
Days Like this I want to be on my own, I keep thinking if I cause harm to myself then the pain will go away. I so desperately want to smile and mean it. This dark cloud won’t lift and I just want to hide from everyone. I so desperately want it to go away. But these tears are just stuck in my eyes and the tremor of my lip comes and goes. I feel like I’m drowning, I can’t talk because I don’t know what to say. Do I say 'I’m so depressed today I keep thinking of killing myself' or do I just smile and say 'I’m ok' to protect the feelings of the people around me. It’s hard to know what to say or do, that’s why on days like this I just hide myself away.
Over time I have learnt that I can do things to make myself feel better and take time out to focus on what I need, but with depression something holds you back and doesn’t want you to feel happy. It's as if I'm trapped in a bubble and life isn't really real. I'm out of sync. That’s why blocking the world out helps. The only thing to get me through is telling myself tomorrow will be better, and to just sleep.
Depression doesn’t go away. It is something you have to manage and work at, which is draining. But it's days like this that remind me of how far I have come.
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF MY DEPRESSION
I wake up.
I wake up after a night of not sleeping due to nightmares and anxiety.
I wake up instantly sad that I’ve made it through the night after I’ve wished that I would never wake up wishing I was dead.
I wake up wondering how I’m going to get through this day.
I look at my daughter and kick myself that I can’t enjoy her. That there’s some invisible block that I can’t see but I can feel, like a wave of heat embodying me, consuming my whole being, preventing me to enter the world I want to be in.
Then real life starts.
Work, interacting with people, cleaning, cooking.
My memory disappears making it difficult for me to remember where I’ve put stuff, what I need to do and even what I did yesterday.
I still wish I was dead as having to manage this is unbearable. The feeling like I’m drowning and my legs are tired from trying to stay afloat. How I can feel two parts of my brain not working as the bridge connecting them has disappeared.
The feeling of this is overwhelming.
Throughout the day I desperately try to think of everything I’ve done wrong, not just today or yesterday but my WHOLE life, finding reasons why I deserve to feel like this.
I spend my day wishing my friends didn’t like me so they didn’t have to put up with my shit but silently begging them to come and hold me so I feel safe as I become more scared of myself. I don’t want them to dissect my behaviour. I want them to empathise. But how can they love me when I’m unlovable? Expecting them to have patience, it must be exhausting. Never know what side of me they are going to see; the ridiculously hyper one or the suicidal one. It’s like a roulette. But what ever they feel I feel it a thousand times more.
I think about how I’m not worthy to feel like this and push it aside and listen to everyone else’s real problems.
I cant eat. I smile then secretly cry when no one is around. I think how ungrateful I am that I can’t enjoy this life I have when I’m so proud of my achievements.
I'm tired, tired of trying to figure out what was my trigger? What tools do I need to lift this depression or will it just stop after I’ve slept? I’m so tired.